Not since Seinfeld’s “Woosah” has the ability to help your self been made so easy. I have created a no-fail system to achieving your goals. If you merely do what I say, you will, without question, attain whatever you desire.

I know many of you have many goals – big and small, long and short. And the first thing you do is write them down and organize them and think about them and romanticize them. You perhaps ponder, pray, attempt to “attract,” and visualize your goals coming into your life. You think about why you want them because people have told you the why is more important than the how.

But all that is pointless – and you are being scammed. Trash all your self-help books. You know what you want. You know why you want it. You know how to do it. Why do I know this? Because you are not mentally retarded.

The problem is you keep thinking and talking about your goals, thinking and talking, hemming and hawing, about all this shit. You never – get ready, here comes the secret to improving your life forever… you never just “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

That is the first step to achieving anything you could possibly want in this life! It’s pretty simple. For instance, you start to say, “God I’m so jiggly around my midsec—” “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Say it aloud! Say with David-slew-Goliath type pride! Say it with vigor! And in that very second after you exhort your self to shut the fuck up – drop your overweight ass down and do some pushups and sit-ups. I really don’t care if you are at your grandmother’s funeral!

Yes, I know you will begin to say, “I’m at a funeral I just can’—” Guess what you do? Instantly tell yourself to, “Shut the fuck up!” Drop down and give yourself 20 diamond push-ups and 50 crunches, then run some laps around the parking lot full of mourners.

Here are some more good examples of my most excellent method:

“I want to got back to school and pursue—” “Shut the fuck up.” Go to school, even if it’s 1 am, sleep there outside the school and read a book. In the morning, go to a class – talk your way in and learn something.
“I really want to talk to that hot female/male but—” “Shut the fuck up!” You are already walking over there right now if you understand the shut the fuck up method.
“I want to start my business and make a million—-” “Shut the fuck up.” And sell your product to somebody.

The reason you shut the fuck up is because you just talk to damn much. The origin of the Shut the Fuck Up method came from a friend who seemed to have an RSS feed of goals that would appear in every chat session, every phone call, and even when I wasn’t in direct contact with this Tony Robbins’ freak, her Facebook posts would tell of her grand plots. I finally told this woman to “Shut the Fuck Up.” And guess what? She did shut the fuck up. Not only did I enjoy silence, but she actually started attaining her goals.

(Note: You may find that the “Shut the Fuck Up” method has many other applications. Please email me if you find them!)

Now, there are more steps to this mega, ultra powerful system. Step 1 is Shut the Fuck Up; Step 2 is – are you ready for it? “Continue to Shut the Fuck Up!” Sadly, because you have the habit of not shutting the fuck up, you will constantly have to tell yourself to shut the fuck up. I tell myself to shut the fuck up at least fifty times a day on days that I am already mostly shut the fuck up. So you can get a sense of how rigorous – though apparently simple and easy – this method can be.

For instance, if we go back to the example of the mini-workout at the funeral. Your over active respect for the dead may kick in. As soon as your overzealous propriety activates when your knees begin to bend to drop to the floor in workout position – on the way down – make sure you keep telling your mind to shut the fuck up. It may take 20 or so shut the fuck ups just to get to the ground. And another 20 to get through your first push up. But break through that wall and before the body is six feet deep, you will have taken a step to loose belly fat. And what’s more, at the funeral, while everyone is maudlin and teary, draped in the past and memories, you will stand shimmering, from pride and sweat, thinking of your glorious, radiant future of good health.

There is yet another step to the method. That step is to make sure you find people who love you enough to tell you to shut the fuck up. I have several friends, and am training a parrot, to no longer greet me with warm salutations, but with an angry “Shut the Fuck Up you little duck molester.” (Note: I sometimes add a personal insult on the end of my shut the fuck ups – they are like some sort of catalyst for me. Feel free to try as well. I find the employment of the word “little” is a spice that must be any added to any maligning word or phrase applied to me.)

I have a friend who was getting ready to start his own business. For a year he talked about it. Until I told him the method. He learned the method and he was extremely dedicated. So he did Step 1: and shut the fuck up. And went on to Step 2: he continued to shut the fuck up. And he really went to great extent to employ Step 3 – he got some really good friends to tell him to shut the fuck up. Now, he really focused on Step 3 because he noticed that every time he was intimidated he acted quickly and got things done. He knew himself, he knew that he feared any sort of harm or discomfort to his ectomorphic person or his fragile, bitchy ego. But he told himself to shut the fuck up when he thought it would scare him to have people tell him to shut the fuck up.

I went to his home one day and was delighted to find that his wife (who was well ahead of the game on this method), his children – ages 3, 5, and 7 – berated him with loving shut the fuck ups 102 times (according to my count) just in a small hour and a half window. He even encouraged me to join in and I showed the wife and little kids exactly how it should be done. And it is good to know that proper pronunciation is not always needed – it is more the tone of voice and anger of it than the content. To adduce, the three-year-old daughter perfectly aped my demeanor and tonality though she was screaming something like this to her father: “Shup duh Fup Pup!” The child has a very bright future, and I encouraged the older two children to share the method with their classmates and especially their teachers!

The potency of this method is singularly blind – it works for all humans, and could work for animals – if they could speak. Of course, it’s best to keep this ultra powerful method out of the hands of bad people – because they could achieve their goals too, which may lead to a lot of bloodshed. Then again, we should not worry, because I intuit that good people will create better, more potent shut the fuck ups than bad people, and thus emerge victorious in any war between the two divine and diabolic users of shut the fuck up method.

Am I serious in this article? You better believe it. I want this method to spread as far and as wide as possible. Why? Because if all the goals that were currently set by all the peoples of the world were all achieved – think about how happy people would be. Indeed, please, help me get my message out. Please, go tell the world to SHUT THE FUCK UP.